Friday, January 17, 2014

Childhood Memories: when (it) depression began...

          Hi, Let me start out by introducing myself, my name is Jennifer L. Andrews and I'm 43 years old.  I can't even believe I made it this far, wow, 43 years...of trying to survive.  Survive what, you may ask? Well, it's a mixture of many moments of my life that have in one way or another changed life as I knew it.  So, I survived depression, 2 suicide attempts, alcohol abuse, drugs, 1 time I almost drowned, a bad marriage of 2 years, emotional and sexual abuse as well.  So, I guess that is why I named my blog Life's Side Effects because if I had the perfect life, I wouldn't have had to struggle so much throughout my whole life since I turned 13.  

       The depression really started after my Uncle by marriage passed away from Melanoma cancer.  What I remember the most about my Uncle is he was always there for me.  I remember he was always outside as well in a boat on the water enjoying the sun... sadly the sun being the reason of  his death when all he wanted to do was enjoy life.  He was a very upbeat person, worked hard, laughed a lot and I barely ever saw him upset.  I was young and my dad and I had a strained relationship, which I still to this day can't quite figure out.  So, when we went to visit Uncle Len and Aunt Jean (she is my grandma's sister) I was so excited...maybe I hurt my dads' feelings, I do not know.

        The difference between my dad and my Uncle Len is dad paid little attention to me unless it was negative and Uncle Len paid attention to the positive part of my childhood.  I used to get stomach aches a lot when I was little and whenever I would say I had a stomach ache my dad would be upset with me, I think he thought I was faking it to get out of going on family outings...not true at all.   My Uncle on the other hand, whenever I said I had a stomach ache he would ask me what was wrong, I would talk to him and voila the stomach ache went away!!  Tada!  

         My Uncle and Aunt lived in New Hampshire and Uncle Len was in Real Estate, I used to find their house very interesting and mysterious too.  I don't know why I always had a good feeling the minute I would  step into the door...except for their dog.  I do not even remember the dogs' name...I have a picture of the dog barking a lot at me, while my Uncle was holding me and I remember exactly what I was thinking at that very moment.

       I was thinking that the dog was trying to get my feet and I was truly scared.  It was a little hotdog breed and I swear it was a nasty, mean little thing and I knew it didn't like children and I was maybe 5...I am not sure of the exact age.  I just remember always being on the lookout for that stupid dog lol.  I'm sure it was a loveable, playful and protective dog, but that dog did not like me at all and I sure sensed it.  So, the first thing
you would see walking into the house is they had a white tile kitchen, a very clean white tile kitchen with a glass table and swivel chairs with wheels...remember those?
I think I liked their house so much because most of it was "off limits" I wasn't allowed to play in certain rooms...well, little did they know that when they were all outside or busy I would go exploring.

        Exploring was always one of my favorite pass-times as a kid, we didn't have electronics yet like gameboy, Nintendo Ds,  cell phones and Ipods etc. yet...well, I think they were working on the cell phones but they were HUGE!!  Lol.  I remember when I went downstairs they had the coolest family room, it was like under the ground a little bit so it was always cooler in that room then the rest of the house.  I remember always wanting to hang out down there because it was a fun room.  There was this one particular item that I could never, ever touch it was a globe.  It was also a bar and when you opened the globe, it had sand in it...there was a metal piece that hung down and when you gently moved the piece it would sway back and forth and make cool designs in the globe...that thing was freaking awesome!!

        Whenever I had the chance, I would run downstairs and look at the globe, it was shiny, gold most likely expensive real gold...they were well off  and I remember when I put my hand in the sand the sand was cool in temperature, it felt smooth and silky.  I hated it when they had the globe closed up because I couldn't make designs in the time it was closed and I wanted to touch the sand.  I tried to open it myself...I almost had it open when my mom walked in or my Aunt I can't remember who and I got yelled at.  Boy, I tell you what, I cried for an hour for being yelled at.  I really didn't think I was doing anything wrong.  I was just curious and being a kid...I didn't know that it cost thousands of dollars and that it was from another was I supposed to know those things?  

         I cried until my stomach hurt then I had to go to sleep because the crying which was usually very dramatic exhausted me it didn't matter what age I was.  I went to bed early that night, my mom tucked me in and kissed me on the forehead and that night I had night mares about the globe.  Figures.  Well, folks, this is the beginning of the end of my life so to speak.  I could go as far back as when I was born, but I'm not ready to write a biography  but I'm okay with writing little pieces of my childhood.   I hope you all enjoy reading my blog and I would like some feed back as well because my hobby is to write poetry and short stories as well.